People always ask me what it’s like to be high–blood sugar wise– and it’s only been in the last 24 months that I have gained sufficient BG control, plus the insight to give an answer.
Here’s how I would describe it now:
It’s like I’m possessed (I’ve never actually been possessed but it’s what I imagine it would be like). I feel like I am outside of my body, an onlooker watches as the vilest, most disgusting creature takes charge of my body. I feel the hatred, anger and spite start to boil from within, slowly warming as it spreads through my whole body. My brain and body are no longer mine. I have next to no control. Words fly from my mouth as I clench my jaw tight in a vain attempt to halt them (they slither out anyway). My limbs are so tense I feel that I am about to snap with the strain of trying to control the physical need to thump something or throw myself at that something. All the while my brain is screaming to stop (okay, I know it’s a terrible overreaction but I also know its horrible behavior). I know I have to stop..but how?!?!
All this said friends, if I ever say something spiteful, horrible or unreasonable, please don’t take it to heart immediately, ask me to check my bloods. Again, I may get angry at this simple request, but it’s what I need to do and could very well be the genesis of the prior remarks.
After this kind of experience, people have a basic understanding of what’s happening and from there, they generally form their own conclusions as to what the rest must be like (I find I don’t like to freak people out by telling them the whole diabetes thing).
For those of you who enjoy all of the context, this is how the ride continues:
Finally, I am able to gain enough control to utter that I need to be alone for a minute and run into my room shutting (often slamming) the door tight behind me. My head is spinning, my brain and this high demon are battling for the ground containing my next move. I manage to test my bloods through the foggy haze of anger only to find out what I should’ve known… I’m high. This insight seems to allow my brain the slight edge to gain slight control over the demon inside, and as my correction kicks in, I can feel the anger lift, my limbs become my own and my head becomes clear. The smallest comment or action can make my temper flair, but knowing that I am high seems to allow me to stop the flair up before it slips out of me…most of the time.
It’s horrible, it’s a part of me that I loathe, the lack of control and hatred is something that is not me and I wouldn’t wish anyone to see. Knowing that some have experienced and been hurt by this is extremely upsetting but with my newly gained insight, all I can do is apologize and explain my blood sugar (not that being high is ever an excuse for my behavior or choice of words) may help explain them. I am not the sugar Demon that haunts me sometimes, I can fight it, and I will fight it, I will not let it have control and I will take responsibility for the actions I have taken while under its influence but I will never take it on as being part of my identity or personality-it’s not and never will be, I am Hope and I just happen to live with diabetes and am occasionally able to battle the Sugar Demon.